Eating wings is the opposite of flying
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My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
This anagram machine is out of order.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*