me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
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I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*