I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
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If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.