Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
You Might Also Like
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.