I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)