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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.