My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
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The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”