The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
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cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.