You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
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The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.