Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
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Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.