For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
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You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
The Book. The Movie.