me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
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my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
😲 WTF? 😆
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
real
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song