I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
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Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”