Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
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My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]