I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it鈥檚 an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn鈥檛 deserve me.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it鈥檚 just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Alternate reality. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can鈥檛 afford it.
Me: that鈥檚 not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can鈥檛 afjord it.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I鈥檝e saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
This sounds bad: