As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.