My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
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Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
PARKOUR
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
oh u like geography? name every lake
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}