I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
You Might Also Like
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Bless you