Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
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I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
OMG 🤣🤣
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???