I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
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horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.