EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans