[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
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My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.