Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
You Might Also Like
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
can’t talk my ride’s here
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
This was the best day of my life
How much for the goth pool noodles?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…