“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
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Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Did I do this right
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.