My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
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“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Monday
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.