“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
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Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I’d use my best pan on you.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”