My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
You Might Also Like
why would tinder want me to say this
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.