If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
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the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?