Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
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[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Omg 🤣
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The Weeknd is back
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug