Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
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Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.