“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
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Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I am also baked goods
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.