im 7 sauces long
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don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
$3 #books
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I have never heard an armadillo before.