[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
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When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Pretty much! 馃槀馃憖
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
No more excuses…
…I鈥檓 canceling that gym membership.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
馃ゴ
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale