My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
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I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Your secret is safeish with me
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders