*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
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Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.