Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
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Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
favorite tropes as memes
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.