“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
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If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.