Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
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I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
*pronounces UPS like yoops
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.