Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
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*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor