somebody come look at this
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[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
it is time once again
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.