I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
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I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”