“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
That’s fair
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.