birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
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These dogs look like they have good credit.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!