Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
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My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.