If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
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Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”