*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
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age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Well, that didn’t work.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Dammit Chief not again
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
it is time once again
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.