Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
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My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
“I FIXED IT!”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.