[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
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This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Blew my mind.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.