I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
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“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
so i’m at the stock market right
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm