Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
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I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Breaking news:
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi